I was once a reader before I became a writer. I could finish reading a novel within an hour. Or sometimes, less then an hour. When I thought of writing a novel, I thought it was as easy as reading one. I tried writing a novel. It wasn't as easy as I thought. If I could finish reading in an hour, I could write one scene in an hour. Imagine, less then one thousand words in an hour. It was hard. That's why I treasure my manuscripts so damn much. I laugh with my characters, I fall in love while they love their respective partners. It might not show but I love all my works. Who would love my works aside from me, right?
So when the first negative comment regarding my work was muttered--and it wasn't even published yet that time!--to me by a friend, I was thoroughly devastated. Yes, call me OA, but I was really devastated that time. I don't have a fucking high self-confidence then. I don't have high self-esteem then. Seriously, if you knew me two to three years ago, you'll realize how I changed.
I was a cry-baby then. A little problem, I'll run to my friends while tears were running on my cheeks. I'll always look for "kakampi." I want them to sympathize with me. I was one heck of a pitiful childish teen back then.
Then something--or someone changed me for the better, I guess. He made me realized something. I don't have to be a weakling. When I entered this world, I need to toughen myself because not all people will be on my side. Someone will always be against me, hating me, criticizing me. I learned the hard way back then. I tried changing myself. I tried to be tough, to be indifferent. I tried but no matter how much I tried, someway, the old me still comes out in one way or another.
Being a writer isn't easy. It's not a walk in a park where every minute is a damn happy one. Not everyone likes my works. Not everyone likes me. Maybe out of ten people, nine of them hates me. I was once in this position where EVERYONE, ALMOST EVERYONE was against me. They were throwing bad comments about me, exchanging comments as if I couldn't read it. The sick part of it? I couldn't do anything about it. Because somehow, I RESPECT those people. Those people who had back-stabbed me as if I didn't have any feelings at all. It was heartbreaking. To the point that I almost closed myself to the world.
All my life, I've been loved by my family. In my school, I was the baby, I was the moderator, the one everyone likes because I'm friendly, jolly and what-not. So the first strike of a negative comment really made me upset. But maybe, because of THEM, I somehow became like this. I don't know if I changed for the better, but somehow, I like this new me.
I'M HAPPY I'VE DETACHED MYSELF FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE.
In someway, they helped me to be the me right now. It wasn't an easy road to find myself. It was hard. But I did it.
I know now how to distance myself from those people who would only bring me no good. Because of my past experience, I became aloof in someway. I seldom associate myself to people I don't know. Because I'm afraid to be close to them and be left in an instant and be the center of their jokes.
I'm not cynic when it comes to love. I love someone (And THIS is for another entry :D). I'm cynic when it comes to FRIENDSHIP. You'll never know that the one whom you treated as a friend was the one who keeps on throwing accusations at you behind your back.
I might be a bitch, ah no, I'm a bitch when it comes to those person I hate and I don't like. But when I'm your friend, no matter how wrong you are, no matter how irritating you are, I'll stick to you like glue because I know how painful it was to be left because of your imperfections. Yes, I'm a frank person. I'll tell you to do this, to don't be like this not because I just want to but because I want to help you. It might not show but I care. A lot.
Ah, I don't know what the hell am I talking about right now. From writing to my past to my friends. I really sucks when it comes to blogging. Anyways, I'll post what had happened to me last Wednesday. The day I met my Prince Charming. On my next blog post! :)
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